Bitterness is a Symptom: Here’s the Root

Imagine this: you wake up on a cool summer morning to find your tree laden with the biggest, juiciest mangoes. And what’s even better, they’re all ripe! You race outside, eager to sink your teeth into a mango or two (bonus points if you’re daydreaming about an East Indian). But as you pick the biggest one from the tree, you quickly realise it’s completely rotten. Disgusted, you throw it to the ground and reach for another…and then another…and before you know it, you’ve picked ten mangoes in a row and they’re all rotten and festering. 

Heartbroken, you head inside and tell your spouse about the dilemma, and their response shocks you, “It’s funny you should say that. I was looking at that mango tree last week and I realised it was rotten. All the branches and even parts of the trunk are infested.” 

“So what did you do?” you reply. 

“Nothing,” your spouse shrugs in response, “I figured it would just go away in time.” 

You laugh loudly, but then realise your spouse isn’t joking. “Sweetheart, you can’t just ignore a rotten tree. We need to cut it down before it infects the others.” 

“That’s too much work. Besides, I figured if it doesn’t go away, we can just drape some fabric over the tree and use it for decoration instead.”

(If this isn't a cause for marriage counselling, I don’t know what is!) 

As ridiculous as that scenario may be, can we honestly say that we don’t approach situations like that sometimes? We recognise there is a problem. Something is terribly wrong with the way we’re responding to people. We find ourselves questioning, “where did that come from?” or “why am I so annoyed when this person walks into the room?”

But instead of digging deep, finding the problem and working hard to get rid of it, we ignore and hope it was just a one-time occurrence. When that doesn’t work, we excuse away our bad behaviour and terrible feelings by dressing it up in another name. We call it being “fed up,” “done wid people,” “just protecting our peace,” or “learning our lesson.” And on the surface, it may look like strength. Like boundaries. Like wisdom.

I’m sorry to say, but it’s not. Its real name is bitterness. And like the poison that ruins a perfectly good mango tree and spoils your day, its effects are far-reaching. Bitterness is a serious problem, but the truth is, bitterness isn’t the real issue. It’s a symptom that points to the true problem. 

And if we don’t deal with the root, we’ll keep carrying something God never meant for us to hold.

The Fruit of a Wounded Heart

Psychologists define bitterness as unresolved emotional pain that is usually the result of betrayal, injustice, or deep disappointment. It is often tied to anger that we’ve swallowed instead of processed.

One clinical psychologist describes bitterness as “a chronic and pervasive state of smoldering resentment.” It often occurs when we’re denied opportunities for closure, validation, or justice. And because of that, we start protecting ourselves with walls instead of healing with grace.

But here’s the problem: what protects you in the moment can imprison you long-term.

The Bible puts it this way:

“Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)

Notice that bitterness doesn't start big. It begins as a tiny seed: planted by hurt, watered by silence, and grown in isolation. But left unchecked, it grows up until it corrupts. And we’re not the only ones at risk. Bitterness spreads until it spoils everything around it. But just like the poisoned tree, cutting off the one expression of bitterness won’t solve the problem. We have to get to the root of the problem and attack it there. 

So What’s the Root?

Bitterness can come from many sources, but three of the most common roots are:

1. Unprocessed Hurt

“The heart knows its own bitterness…” (Proverbs 14:10, NIV)

When someone hurts us—especially someone close—it can shake our sense of safety and identity. 

When we suppress hurt, it often resurfaces in other areas: short tempers, distrust, depression, even physical illness. Studies show that chronic emotional stress increases inflammation in the body and impairs immune function. We have to process our emotions. 

2. Unmet Expectations

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” (Proverbs 13:12, NKJV)

Sometimes, bitterness isn’t about what someone did, it’s about what they didn’t do. The parent who never affirmed you. The spouse who didn’t show up emotionally. The friend who never apologized. The prayer God hasn’t answered (yet).

If we’re not careful, our disappointment with people, and even with God, can harden into resentment. But naming the disappointment is the first step toward healing.

3. Unforgiveness

“Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13, NIV) “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19, ESV)

At the core of bitterness lies one stubborn refusal: “I will not let this go.” Sometimes we hold on because it feels like forgiving means approving of what happened. But forgiveness isn’t saying what they did was okay. It’s saying, “I won’t let this wound define my future.”

Healing the Root: Three Strategies

So how do we stop treating symptoms and start healing the root? Here are three powerful tools:

1. Feel What You Need to Feel

“Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” (Psalm 62:8, NKJV) 

Healing begins with honesty. Name what happened. Name how it made you feel. God can handle your honesty and if you need a safe space, there are counselling and coaching sessions you can book to process your emotions with professionals. 

Try this: Write a letter to the person who hurt you (you don’t have to send it), and say what you need to say. Then pray over it. Release it. Let God deal with what you can’t.

2. Practice the Discipline of Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s a decision you may need to repeat more than once.

Jesus told Peter to forgive not just seven times, but “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22). It means every time the memory resurfaces, you can say, “God, I forgive again. I release them again. I trust You again.”

Did you know that forgiveness reduces stress, improves cardiovascular health, and enhances emotional regulation? It also models to your children that grace is more powerful than grudges.

3. Root Yourself in God’s Love, Not People’s Actions

At the end of the day, people will fail you. Systems will fail you. Even your own heart will fail you. But God never will. When you let God’s love become the anchor of your identity, people’s actions no longer have the same power to define or destroy you.

That’s where true healing begins—not when they apologize, not when they change, but when you let God restore you.

Try this: read and meditate on Jeremiah 31:3 and Psalm 27:10. Then ask the Lord to speak to you.

Bitterness is a thief. It takes even the enjoyable moments of life and spoils them. But healing is possible. So today, ask yourself:

• What am I still carrying?

• What wound is still unhealed?

• What do I need to release into God’s hands?

  
  

Your heart deserves to be free. And with God’s help, it can be.