Does Gentle Parenting Actually Work?

David and I have raised four children - two sets of twins born two years apart. (Can someone say, “God’s grace”?). Now that our children are adults, we’re also grandparents. (Can somebody say, “God’s goodness”?). 

One thing we’ve learned over these decades is that while the parenting trends may change, the foundations to raising healthy and well-adjusted children remain the same. 

When our children were young, the mantra of the day was, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” Nowadays, parents and the society overall tend to reject physical punishment in favour of empathy and understanding in a parenting style coined, “Gentle Parenting”. Gentle Parenting is an approach to raising children that seeks to prioritize connecting with your children, understanding the motivations behind their behaviour, responding to their actions with empathy, and creating an atmosphere of mutual respect. 

But at the core, we all want the same thing: a child that is gracious, honours others, handles their emotions in a healthy manner and feels comfortable approaching their parents when they are in need or trouble. 

Yet, we only need to see one child who is spoiled or throwing a tantrum to ask, “Does gentle parenting actually work?” 

From my own experience and the stories of those I’ve walked alongside, gentle parenting is only effective when there is a balance between clear boundaries and regular fun. 

This gives the child the right environment to become respectful, compassionate and less angry when things don’t go their way. Through instructions that are easy to understand but clear in their consequences, you create better boundaries for your child to respect while still engaging with you.

This combination works because:

1. Fun Keeps It Joyful 

a. It builds relationship and connection between you and your child: A sense of humor can eliminate tension and cause your child to be more receptive to guidance. It's been my reality that when I'm harsh in my instructions, it creates misery, much tears and less productivity from my children. But when I remain calm and sweet, we accomplish the tasks together, and a valuable lesson is learnt with a smile of appreciation.

b. It encourages unity: Moments of fun that are enjoyable for both you and your child send the message that you’re both on the same side. They don’t need to be elaborate - a simple joke or quick game can turn mundane chores or unpopular tasks into opportunities for togetherness. Instead of shouting at the child to pick up their toys, turn it into a game of seeing who can be the first one to collect ten toys. Or, invite them into your chores as well. Before cooking dinner, have them collect all the ingredients necessary and guess what we’re making for dinner. By turning these responsibilities into learning moments, your child will learn peace instead of anxiety and know to come to you for help.

c. It teaches you and your child flexibility: Showing that even serious situations can be approached with some degree of light-heartedness can help children develop emotional flexibility. This is a trait that even we adults still need to work on! Being able to adjust your emotions to fit the situation is important for adapting to change, and can help both of you become more comfortable with your emotions. 

I still remember the day that I left my first set of twins sleeping to get some housework done in the other room. On returning, I found that both of them were awake but were also purple and shiny! A tub of Vaseline and a container of Kool-aid had been left beside the bed and in my absence, they stretched over, pulled them down and made a mess of themselves and the sheets. I was so upset at the sight. But before responding to them, I prayed, "God, what should I do now?" Clear as day, I heard the Lord say, “Use the section of the sheets that is not messed up and wipe them off and then boil some water to wash the sheets.” By pausing to regulate my own emotions with a simple prayer, my anger was subdued and my children were safe. 

2. Clear Boundaries Lead to Growth

a.Once you set the right boundaries for the right stage of your child’s development: The first thing we must realize is that boundaries change based on the stage and age of your child. You must equip yourself with tools on your child’s developmental needs and behavior to know when to relax a boundary or keep one firmly in place. 

When our son was about twelve years old, I remember we all went out as a family one afternoon. Whenever we went anywhere, it was a clear rule that we always stay together. No wandering off. But on this day, my son went to sit by himself. Immediately, I wanted to say, “Get back here,” as I would have done before. But I remembered reading a book that said this was the right age for him to begin showing signs of independence and they should be encouraged. So, I allowed him to stay where he was, though I constantly took quick glances at him to make sure that he was good. In a few minutes, he returned to the family.

If we don't understand this process, we can destroy their sense of independence if it is done repeatedly. We can begin to lose our emotional connection and rebellion can set in because they begin to believe that you are treating them like a child.

b. Once you reinforce boundaries with firmness and kindness: Consistency is key to allowing your child to understand boundaries. We must first model what we want to teach, by remaining clear on the values we uphold in our household and managing our emotions. We want them to understand through repetition why we do what we do so it becomes important to them as well. And we want to give instructions in kindness so they know we still care. 

When boundaries are set, it creates order and it maintains peace and harmony. Children are better able to respect order and boundaries in different environments when they first experience it at home. 

Gentle parenting requires patience and continuity. Fun can’t replace boundaries, and boundaries need to be communicated with much care and compassion. But with the grace of God and some guidance, your children will be much better suited to take on the world. 

Looking for more practical guidance for parenting? Click here to schedule an individual or family coaching session with Odigia Global. 

Juliet Grant is a founder of Odigia Global, a Personal Development Organisation committed to helping you flourish in all your relationships through guidance that works. As a Christian for over 45 years, and a wife, mother and spiritual leader for almost half of her life, she is passionate about equipping, empowering and engaging you with the tools to see transformation in every area of your life. Learn more about Juliet and Odigia here.